It’s not about you.
I’ve always heard this but never listened, never internalized the message behind it. Till now. I recently read a tweet that reiterated this message; “How people treat you says a lot about them rather than it does you.”
And I couldn’t help but think how true that is. You can level up, become the best version of yourself, move miles ahead, but there’s people who only perceive you as the person they found you as. For context, I recently had a conversation from somebody I used to know, let’s call them “Person X.” From this exchange, I gathered that Person X still perceived me as naive and quite frankly, dull. The way they spoke to me is the same way they spoke to me a couple of years back. Not once did they take into consideration that this Joyce right now, is much more wiser. Much more aware and capable of reading between the lines.
I never understood why people were so comfortable with lying to me. I used to question it. “Why? Why? Why?” What about me makes someone so comfortable with being dishonest? Especially when I care for them so deeply.
But I understand now that I was asking the wrong question. I was focusing on the wrong angle. Pondering over why someone is lying to me will not change the results. The right questions to focus on can include;
-Why am I tolerating this conversation?
-What do I need to pick out from this conversation?
-How do I stay out of this circus?
Notice how the focus is on self rather than the other person? Because you can change yourself. You can walk away from situations that don’t serve you.
Or, ask yourself, “how can I turn this situation around to my advantage”– STRATEGY!
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Unfortunately, we live in an era where you have to apply strategy in even the most mundane things, like friendly interactions. Before I dive deep into this, I’ll clarify that strategy shouldn’t include exploitation or “matching energy” of the other party. Because as easy as this would be, it’s not rewarding in the least. Matching someone’s low frequency pulls you out of alignment with who you really are.
The strategy, in this case, is;
1. Staying ahead of the game. Learn the tricks of your “opponent”, know their tricks, watch their patterns, clock their deflections, and use them all to your best advantage.
2. Stand your ground. Picking up from my conversation with Person X, as we talked, I immediately realized their intention to deceive me. In modern day, we say “gaslight”. Have you ever talked to someone who changes everything they said and tries to convince you that you are the crazy one? I bet you have. It’s pretty common these days. Before, I’d take offense and become angry, defensive, irritated, and disgusted. This time, however, I stood my ground and showed this person that I am not gullible, nor will I just accept what they are saying just to please them. And I did it with so much grace, but from a matter-of-fact stance. I didn’t leave room for negotiation. I didn’t try to convince myself that blue is purple just because X said so. I didn’t even have to argue like I would have before. And guess what? It worked so effortlessly. They realized that they could only go so far with the lies.
3. Act dumb. Liars always slip. Always. Because they can’t keep up with their inconsistencies, they are prone to slip. And sometimes, it’s not worth digging up the truth from them, especially if you know they aren’t familiar with that concept.
4. Walk away. It is so empowering to walk away from situations that once held you captive. If there’s nothing to gain from certain situations or people, walk away without anger. Walk away without the need for truth. Walk away so that you do not contaminate yourself with that that doesn’t matter. There is so much power in exiting.
In this world, nothing outside of you is about you. So, don’t take things too personal.